That House
by Maddiecake
Summary: What happens when the gang is put on a reality TV show? They have to spend a month or two in a victorian house, that's what! I suck at summaries, so please read to find out more.
1. I Feel Pretty

Johnny: -le poke- You don't own me... -evil laughter-

Maddie: And I don't own any of The Outsiders, now do I?

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Ponyboy: _enters stage right_ When I stepped out into the bright... soonlit... fum... Dally, this makes no sense!

_Camera zooms over to Dally, who is sitting in a directors chair with puffy pants. He is pledging his love to several girls, even though his heart is supposed to be cold, and he never lets any emotions show._

Dally: Curtis! Shut your fuckin' mouth and recite that!

Johnny: Dally, why are you wearing those gay pants?

Dally: Because they make me feel special.

_Camera moves to Darry's dressing room._

Darry: I feel pretty, oh so pretty! I feel pretty, and witty and gaaayyyy

Soda: Holy shit.

Director: Now guys, we have to get going... and get Maddie to stop acting like this is a screen play and start typing like normal people talk.

Maddie: _has somehow popped up_ Shut up, if I wasn't being controlled by Cartman, I'd bitch slap you.

Director: _Stares as Maddie vanishes _That right there... that was fucked up.

Steve: Deah god almighteh...

Johnny: Steve, why are you talking like that?

Steve: I's don't rightleh know.

Two-Bit: We's just picked up ouh talkin' lak a...

Ponyboy: Not again...

Director: _Snaps fingers and magically gets everyone's attention. _Now, I've decided to stick you all in a Victorian house with no electricity.

Two-Bit: _is sobbing_ No Micky Mouse!

Soda: _Is patting Two-Bit's back with tears in his eyes_ Be strong buddy, be strong...

Johnny: _Is shocked_ Are we going to have to--

Director: _nods_ Yes, you'll have to dress like they did back then.

Everyone but the director: OH DEAR GOD!

Steve: We's NOT dressen' lak that.

Two-Bit: I's agreh, these clothes ain't southern enough.

Ponyboy: ARGH! YOU TWO SHUT UP NOW!

Director: Okay now, let's get to it!

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Next chapter will have regular dialog and stuff.

Johnny: Oh thank the lord!

Two-Bit: And thank you buiscuts! -is hugging biscuts-

Maddie: Two-Bit, shut up.


	2. I Look Gay

Two-Bit: I'VE STOPPED TALKING LIKE THAT!

Maddie: Oh thank god. -does stupid little dance-

Johnny: And you don't own us.

Ally Le Fey rocks because of her reveiw, and we hope she reveiws in the future. To everyone else who reveiwed... YOU ALL ROCK!

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The gang walked up the hill towards the old Victorian house. The wind was blowing their hair, because in all reality TV shows, the wind has to be blowing when they first see the house, otherwise, everyone thinks it sucks.

"I'm glad your here!" The director said with a smile. "I'll show you around the inside of the house first, then I'll give you your outfits!" He grinned and led them all inside.

"This room here is the sitting room a--"

"Where's the TV!" Two-Bit yelled, looking around madly.

"There were no TVs back then uh... Keith. By the way, you will all have to go back to your original names, except Soda and Ponyboy, who will now go by their middle names, Michael (A/N: Someone tell me how to spell his middle name!) and Patrick. Darry, you go by Darryl, Steve, you are now Steven. Dally, you are now... well, Dallas. Johnny, you are Johnathan. On to the kitchen, bedrooms, and so on and so forth."

They all followed the director, most of them looked disgusted.

"This will be your room Johnathan."

"Where's the bathroom?" Soda asked.

"Uh... chamber pot, Patrick, and it's under your room's bed. Just throw the contents out the window when you're finished. Now Johnathan, you can go get settled."

As the director walked on, chattering never ceasing, the boy entered his room and closed the door. The walls were a dark greenish color, and there was a window that faced the west. This was the first second story room, and he'd be able to see the sunset. _Maybe I'll let Pony watch too._ He thought. Other than the window, there was a roll top desk filled with some writing supplies. There was a wardrobe facing the door on the other side of the room, and a large bed was near the window. _Wow... god that's a huge bed._ With a grin, he kicked off his shoes and jumped, landing on the covers and sighing contentedly.

"Patrick, this will be your room." The director pointed at the room across from Johnny's. Soda looked forlornly at the door before entering. It looked something like Johnny's, only with a small window and the walls were maroon.

After all the rooms were handed out, the director got everyone's attention.

"Now, you were allowed to bring one thing from your old homes. What did you bring?"

The director pointed to Ponyboy, who showed them all Gone With the Wind. Next, came Sodapop, who had a picture of the whole gang together. Darry had the paper from that morning. Dallas ended up bringing some Kools, Steve brought a picture of Evie, Two-Bit brought his Mickey Mouse pillow case.

"Johnny, may we see what you brought?" The director asked in the same voice that kindergarten teachers addressed their students with. Johnny shook his head, his ears turning a pinkish color.

"Johnnycake, we ain't gonna laugh." Pony said.

With a sigh, Johnny took from behind his back something that brought back many memories. A slightly tattered brown teddy bear. It's button eyes glistened in the light, and it's rather serious looking face seemed to stare at every single person. Suprisingly, nobody laughed.

Dally was staring into space, a thoughtful look on his face.

_Flashback:_

_"Hey kid, whats the matter?" Dallas stared down at the lost puppy of the gang, Johnny Cade, and watched as the boy looked up at him. His large black eyes were almost overflowing with tears. _

_"They broke him." The now almost eleven year old boy sniffed._

_"Broke who?" The twelve year old boy questioned, knowing this was most likely Johnny's parents' faults. _

_"Ozzie." _

_"Who?" _

_Johnny looked down at the thing he held in his arms before holding up a bear with the head ripped off. Dallas noticed the head in the dirt._

_TWO WEEKS LATER:_

_"Happy birthday kid!" _

_Johnny turned around and looked at Dallas with a confused look on his face. "My birthday?"_

_"Yeah, you're eleven now, 'member?"_

_Dally almost grinned as the birthday boy's face glowed._

_"And I've got a present too."_

_"Oh Dal... you really didn't."_

_But without saying anything else, Dally held out Ozzie, his head sewed back on, the dirt gone from the stuffed animal's body._

_Without warning, Johnny wrapped his arms around Dallas and hugged him._

_"Thanks Dal."_

_End Flashback._

Darry was remembering as well.

_Another Flashback:_

_"Mom, what's that boy doing outside?" The ten year old Darry asked with a confused look on his face. He was staring at the small boy who was running out into the pouring rain that had been going on all morning. Someone seemed to have push him out of his own house._

_Mrs. Curtis looked up from reading a story to Ponyboy and Sodapop, and a look of concern crossed her face. "Darry, will you go outside and get him for me? Ask him if he'd like to come inside for a while?"_

_"Sure mom." He replied, walking outside in the rain and running quickly to house next to the one directly across the street from their own, not wanting to get too wet. But he slowed down as he approached the tan little boy, walking slowly so he wouldn't scare him. _

_"Hey..."_

_The boy jumped and looked up nervously, and Darry could see a bruise forming around the younger boy's eye. **He probably got in a fight.** Darry had thought, before asking, "would you like to come to my house and get out of the rain?"_

_The boy nodded, and stood up. Darry noticed a slightly tattered looking bear in the boy's arms._

_"What's your name?"_

_"Johnny Cade." Johnny replied quietly._

_Darry misunderstood though. "Johnny Cake? That's sure a strange name."_

_Johnny chose not to say anything as he took Darry's hand and Darry led him to their house._

_"Oh, I'm Darry by the way."_

_Johnny only nodded as they entered the house._

_"Mom, this is Johnny Cake!"_

_Finally, the small boy decided to say something. "Johnny Cade, not Cake."_

_Sodapop looked up and smiled brightly at Johnny. "Hi! I'm Sodapop! Hey, what happened t--"_

_"Would you like to have hot cocoa with us? We're reading some books right now."_

_"Is hot cocoa good?" Johnny questioned, tilting his head sideways._

_"Is it good!" Sodapop exclaimed with huge eyes. "It's great!"_

_So Johnny eagerly accepted. Mrs. Curtis smiled and then asked, "would you like me to dry your bear for you?"_

_After a few moments of thought, Johnny nodded and said, "his name's Ozzie."_

_"So would Ozzie like to be nice and warm?"_

_"Yeah."_

_Darry stared at his mother. She really had a way of getting shy kids to talk. Sodapop's best friend, Steve, had been quiet when they had first met him, and now he would talk non-stop!_

_Soon, Johnny was sitting on the floor in front of Mrs. Curtis with Ozzie in his arms and hot chocolate next to him. As he went to pick up the warm liquid, he bumped it and it fell over. The boy didn't say anything, but he looked like he was scared something was going to happen. His large black eyes were filled with tears. _

_"Oh Johnny, don't cry!" Mrs. Curtis said quickly, running to get something to clean it up. "This happens all the time at our house!"_

_"Really?" He sniffed, looking at her._

_"Yes!"_

_After it stopped raining, he went home but not before Mrs Curtis said, "you can come back anytime Johnnycake, the door is always open." Johnny liked this new nickname he had gotten. But he walked towards his house with tears in his eyes. _

_He was afraid to go back to his house._

_End Flashback._

"Hey, you brought Ozzie!" Two-Bit exclaimed.

"Oh, and there's one other room." The director opened up a door with a camera and a seat inside. "This is where you can talk by yourself to his camera. Also, there will be cameras everywhere in the house, hidden cameras. Well, not everywhere. Not in your rooms."

The director handed them each an outfit, and told them to get dressed.

Johnny was now wearing a black coat type thing over a vest over a white shirt, and black trousers that had suspenders. He looked at his black dress shoes with disgust.

Ponyboy wore a light blue sailor suit and white shoes. "God I look gay."

Darry wore an outfit similar to Johnny. Actually, everyone except Ponyboy had an outfit like Johnny's. Everyone except Sodapop, who wore a red sailor suit. "I feel like an idiot." He mumbled.

"You're in here for a month or two, remember that."

When she closed the door, they all stared at eachother, before Johnny walked off to his room to watch the sunset.

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Sorry it took so long to update!


	3. Fuck

Pony:You made me look gay! -kicks Maddie-

Maddie: -is screaming- YOU WISH I MADE YOU GAY! -runs around laughing until she falls into a hole-

Two-Bit: Shall we keep her there?

Johnny: It's for the good of mankind buddy.

Pony: NOW YOU DON'T OWN US! -laughs at Maddie's suffering-

Maddie: -sob-

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"Hey, c'mon buddy, wake up!" Someone was shaking Sodapop. It turned out that Steve was trying to wake him up.

"Whaddaya want Steve?" Soda grumbled, sitting up and rubbing his eyes to get rid of any sleep they had left in them.

"First of all, we gotta be called by the names the director gave us. So it's Steven. Second, everyone is up but Johnnycake, and we gotta make breakfast and shit like that."

"Oh boy... fine, let's go wake the kid up."

As they entered Johnny's room and saw the boy curled up under the blankets with Ozzie under one arm.

Dally quickly took Ozzie away and grinned at Soda and Steve, both were carrying a pail of water, that, because of this weather, happened to be ice cold.

"One... two... three!" They yelled as they drenched the sixteen year old. Johnny shot up and hit his head on the bed post and sat in the bed rubbing his head and swearing under his breath before turning to Dally, Sodapop and Steve. "WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU TRYING TO DO! THIS IS THE ONLY FUCKING OUTFIT I FUCKING HAVE SO YOU CAN JUST GO WASH IT OUT NOW BEFORE I KICK YOUR ASSES! AND GIMME BACK OZZIE!"

The boys stared in awe at Johnny as he got out of bed and grabbed Ozzie from Dally, who practically had his jaw dragging along the floor as he walked out of the room. As Steve stepped out last, there was a blast of air as Johnny slammed the door and yelled something else.

A few minutes later Johnny exited, his hair falling in front of his face due to the fact that there was NO hair grease aloud.

Everyone else was in the kitchen, and all was silent as Johnny entered.

"Hey Johnnycakes, you okay?"

"Johnathan."

"What?" Sodapop looked confused.

"You gotta call me Johnathan, remember?"

"Shit... yeah..." Soda mumbled.

"So Patrick, where's Ponyboy this morning?" Two-Bit asked.

"Why Keith, he's in the camera room confessing stuff of course."

Two-Bit's eyes narrowed and he banged his head on the wall. "I hate this, you do know that... right?"

"Amen brother." Dally said boredly as he looked over at Johnny. The younger boy wouldn't meet his eye.

"I'll be in the camera room if you want me." Johnny muttered as he walked out of the room.

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Maddie: I wanna be an airborne ranger

I wanna be an airborne ranger

Before the day I die

There are five things I wanna ride

Rifle, lifeboat, automobile

Vernon's mother and a ferris wheel...

Johnny: You saw The Breakfast Club agian, didn't you.

Maddie: xD What gave you that idea?

Johnny: You wouldn't wanna r-- -gets tackled by Two-Bit

Two-Bit: Maddie, go on singing that song, we know you don't really wanna.

Maddie: -hugs Two-Bit- Thank you! -goes back to singing-


	4. SufWING!

Maddie: -le gasp- THIS IS SOOO WEIRD!

Johnny: WHAT! 0.0

Maddie: 0.0 Uhhhh... nothin'.

Two-Bit: I do declah, you don't own ah souls now dooya Miss Maddeh.

Maddie: 0.0 Two-Bit, go outside.

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Ponyboy sat in the small room with no windows. The sailor hat was perched on his head at an odd angle.

"I am so fucking sick of this place. T-- Keith won't stop talking in this weird way, and it's driving us all NUTS. Worst of all I have to wear this fucking gay sailor suit, and I can't do track. THIS IS CRAZY! IT'S INSANE! I'LL KILL YOU, YOU STUPID DIRECTOR!" He lunged at the camera, but composed himself. "And because millions of people are watching this... Oooooohhhhh, my bologna has a f--"

"MICHAEL, OPEN THE DOOR OR I'LL HURT YOU!" Johnny screamed, pounding on the door. Ponyboy sighed and pulled open the door with a scowl, and walked out. Johnny sat down.

"Mm'kay, here's the deal. Cherry loved Bob but I killed Bob and now I'm in here and it's kind of funny because it's worse than jail and... why am I talking to you? I could talk to Ozzie... god, the things I think of." He laughed and walked out of the room, but not before Sodapop sat down quickly, looking anxious.

"Listen, this goes out to Sandy. Baby, I miss you so bad and I want you to come home. I don't care if that guy," his hands balled into fists at this, "got you pregnant, just please come back and we'll make everything work out..."

Meanwhile, Sandy was watching the TV, a small baby girl clutched in her arms. Soft china blue eyes stared sadly at the TV as a man yelled at her to get him a sandwich. "In a minute Ricky." She screamed back, fingering a ring that hung around her neck on a small chain. "No... I'm not ever going back." She whispered, but her mind was telling her to go.

With tears blurring his vision, Sodapop walked out of the room. All over the state people were going "awwwww!" and crying into eachother's shoulders.

Two-Bit entered the room. "Why I do declah, I dun know why these people ah tellen me tah stop this talk, but it ain't my fault yahea? It's them damn... nevahmind. Ah love talkin' like this, even if it is annoyin'. Why, Ah love it more than feedin' the kittens on ah Sundeh mornin', Ah do, Ah do." At this point, most of the country was laughing hysterically at Two-Bit and his stupidity.

With a grin, he bowed and left, leaving everyone in stitches. Meanwhile, everyone was still making breakfast. "It's taken us two or three hours, but it's ready." Dally said. Flour and eggs stuck to his hair and face, making him look like a cook who had gone nuts-o and had thrown flour and eggs around after his meal-related massacre. Darry looked just as bad, with several smudges of something that looks like mollasses on his clothes and face, and Steve had his head stuck in the butter churning thingie. (A/N: Is it just called a butter churn?) Johnny had singed off some of his hair and was getting it evened out by Ponyboy, who was doign a better job than he had when they were in Windrixville. Luckily, neither had to be blonde this time.

"GOD DAMNIT!" Pony screamed as the scissors cut his fingers.

"Lordeh lordeh, looks like deah ol' Pony's dun cut his poor fingahs."

Everyone stared at Two-Bit. If this had been an Anime thing, Johnny would have had one large line across his face, his eyes being small round circles and his mouth gone. But seeing as this wasn't, well... Johnny just looked like himself. "Keith, go outside."

"Yessuh Johnathan." And Two-Bit went skipping out.

"We've gotta do something about him." Dally spoke up.


	5. Paris Hilton Pink

Johnny: I'm mad at you.

Maddie: Why?

Johnny: You made my dad seem normal.

Maddie: Shhhh... they might not know about that yet!

Johnny: OF COURSE THEY DO! -pouts-

Two-Bit: My god... this be like the time that the buffalo said 'lordeh lordeh h--'

Daniel: -kills Two-Bit momentarily- GOODBYE YOU WORTHLESS S--

Maddie: -locks Daniel in a closet-

Daniel: -from inside closet- YOU DON'T OWN US OR ANYTHING ELSE IN HERE!

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"Keith... come insiidddee..." Dally called quietly.

"Now why, deah Dallehs, would I do that?" (A/N: Yeah, I know Dallas is spelled wrong... think of the way he's saying it...)

"Because we have beeerrrr..." Johnny said with a malevolant grin.

"BEER!" Two-Bit jumped up and ran inside with a smile. "Gimme the beeah! C'MON MICHAEL! GIMMEH THE BEEAH!"

"NOW!" Sodapop screamed, and they all jumped on Two-Bit, even Steve, who still had his head stuck in the churn.

They began beating Two-Bit to a bloody pulp... well, they were trying to. The stage guys kept dropping catsup from the roof and it landed everywhere... so that was technically the blood.

"CUT!" The director screamed. He walked inside and replaced Two-Bit with a dummy.

Everyone stared. "THIS IS A REALITY TV SHOW, DUMBASS!" Dallas screamed.

"Yes... so we're going to have to put a sexy babe in here... preferably blonde... someone like... PARIS HILTON!"

A scantily clad woman with blonde hair stepped into the house. Her high heeled shoes were so pink that people were still trying to think of a sexy name for it. "Paris Hilton pink, you like?" She asked, giggling annoyingly. All the guys seemed mesmerized. Everyone, except Johnny and Ponyboy.

"P-paris... such a nice name..." Sodapop said, drool practically flooding the whole house.

"Oh you..." She giggled again.

Ponyboy's eye twitched and Johnny shuddered.

"Why, Miss Hilton, I do declah... you's so pretteh..."

"AHHHH!" Ponyboy jumped on Paris Hilton and ripped her head off, revealing the ugliest thing people had ever seen... Johnny Depp! (A/N: No, I actually love Johnny Depp, I just happen to make fun of things I like... except Paris Hilton, who I loath entirely. -eye twitch-)

"OH MY GOD!" The Director screamed, and ran out. Everyone went back to beating up Two-Bit.

When they finished, Johnny looked at Soda, who looked at Steve who looked at Ponyboy. "How're you feeling Keith?"

Two-Bit stood up and opened his mouth...

"Bombs are flying  
People are dying  
Children are crying  
Politicians are lying too.

Cancer is killing  
Texaco's spilling  
The whole world's gone to hell  
But how are you?

I'm super  
Thanks for asking  
All things considered  
I couldn't be better I must say

I'm feeling super  
No, nothing bugs me  
Everything is super when you're  
Don't you think I look cute in this hat?"

Two-Bit had magically gotten a hat. Dally shuddered. The song was too happy... waaayyy too happy.

"I'm so sorry  
Mr. Cripple  
But I just can't feel too bad for you right now.  
Because I'm feeling  
So insanely su--"

Dallas began to beat Two-Bit up. "YOU. ARE. NOT. BIG. GAY. AL!"

Johnny raised an eyebrow at his idol. "But what if the creator of this fanfiction made it that way?"

Everyone stared at him. "A fan _what_?" Darry asked, absentmindedly making a batch of cookies.

"Nevermind."

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Maddie: I didn't like this chapter much... but I had writers block, and I needed to update this, so there ya go.

Daniel: Oooohhh... Paris Hilton...

Maddie and Johnny: NOOOOOOOOOO!


	6. Alfred Hitchcock

Okay, the last chapter was one I wrote really late, I was tired and I found everything hilarious.

Johnny: x.x Is this why they had Paris Hilton?

Maddie: Yes Johnny. It is.

Daniel: And you don't own us?

Maddie: Righty-o!

Johnny: I beleive you made a mistake too...

Maddie: Oh, yes, right. I meant to say 'Pioneer' instead of 'Victorian'... so ignore all words that involve the word 'victorian'.

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Dally exited his room, bright eyed and bushy tailed, wondering who had thought of such a stupid thing like 'bright eyed and busy tailed'. Little did he know, the nation was watching his every move... everyone was already awake, and he used his usual strut as he entered the kitchen. The director smiled brightly. "Why hello Dallas!" He said as he handed the teen an envelope.

"You will have partners for a task. You must do this task, and it shall go on TV. Have fun!" With that, the director walked out, yelling, "Oh, you're staying for a year now, 'cause you're doing so well."

With a scowl, Dally opened his envelope. _Clean Chicken Coop_ was scrawled on a piece of paper. Johnny raised an eyebrow and hopped on a chair to look at Dally's, because he was too short to see it while standing without the chair. "I'm cleaning the chicken coop too." He said. So off they went together.

As they entered, all motion stopped and all the chickens stared. There was the sound of wings moving, and clucking here and there. Johnny and Dally walked in and cleaned quietly, all eyes followed them as they did so, quietly picking up chickens. They left, and Johnny shuddered. "So many chickens." Both boys stared as an old man in a black suit with a white dog walked by. (A/N: Scene from The Birds, old guy is Alfred Hitchcock.)

"This is weird." Dally muttered as they ran inside to find lunch sitting on the table. "Well howdy! Darrehl made us a coupl'a chickens!" (A/N: Think of pronunciation!)Two-Bit said happily. Johnny looked at the chicken. "IT'S A CONSPIRACY!" He shrieked and ran around before Darry presented him with biscuts and he sat down quietly, munching away like a squirrel. Everyone ate happily, Two-Bit blathering on about one thing or another in that stupid Gone With the Wind type dialog... well, not Gone With the Wind, but you get it, right?

After, they retired to the sitting room, where Johnny sat trying to churn butter. Steve snuck up behind him and stuck him in a dress and bonnet. The sixteen year old screamed and tried to get out of it, but it wouldn't word. So he contented himself with sticking Steve's head in the churn... after the butter was out, of course, because who the heck would want Steve's head in the butter?

Besides Two-Bit, I mean.

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Two-Bit: Oh, that was cold right there.

Maddie: Why thank you. D


	7. My Cousin Vinny

Maddie: My impression of life at Big Bri's house, "Son?" "Yeah, Dad?" "How was your day, son?" "Great, Dad! How's yours?" "Super! Say, how would like to go fishing this weekend?" "Great, Dad! But I got homework to do." "That's okay, son! You can do it on the boat!" "Gee!" "Hon, isn't our son swell?" "Yes, dear. Isn't life swell?" –makes kissy noises-

Johnny: xD How wonderful. Now, can you do an impression of Daniel's house?

Maddie: But of course! "Hey mom!" "Hey Daniel!" "Guess what mom?" "What sweetie?" "I—" –runs into wall- "Daniel-san, you must learn karate to defeat wall..." "How the fuck did you get in here?" "Through door." "Oh, hahaha… oh look, I just defeated the wall! Guess you're a pretty cool teacher, huh?"

Daniel: That was horrible. T.T

Maddie: Ah, but to people like Johnny…

-camera moves to reveal Johnny doubled up on the floor laughing-

Johnny: You -gasp- Don't –gasp- Own –gasp- Us –gasp-!

Maddie: And it has come to my attention (thank you word!) that I have been spelling Jonathan wrong. xD

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So after excavating Steve's head from the churn (A/N: Behold me, trying to sound smart.) the gang of total idiots sat down. Darry was making a bunch of toy soldiers out of wood, for Ponyboy and Johnny, who were complaining about how utterly bored they were.

"You know Michael, if you read once in a while…" Johnny started, and Ponyboy scowled. "Okay look Jonathan, I read all the time, you just don't see me reading."

"Psh, yeah right." Johnny said, sticking his tongue out.

"One day Jonathan, a bug'll fly in and then BOOM!" Dally yelled, making the two youngest boys jump in surprise.

"I do decl—"

"STOP!" Dally yelled, punching Two-Bit in the nose and yelling obscenities at him.

"Psh, you guys're all gay." Steve mumbled, his head stuck in the churn once more, butter seeping out onto the carpet.

"BANG! BANG BANG BAAANNNNGGG!" Pony yelled.

"Come back here ya varmint!" Johnny hollered. It took everyone else a matter of seconds to realize that they were playing with the now finished army men.

"Awww, they look like kids!" Soda cooed.

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I seriously have no idea where this came from.

Johnny: Psh, you know that you know where…

Maddie: DON'T YOU START WITH ME!

Daniel: Subtraction.

Maddie: POSITRACTION! MY COUSIN VINNY HAD THE WORD POSITRACTION IN IT! I REMEMBER! IT WAS THAT FREAKY LADY, MONA LISA VITO OR WHATEVER THE HELL IT WAS! IIIII SSAAAAWWWW IIITTTT!

Johnny: 0.0;;; Maddie, did anyone ever tell you that you're a spazz and you totally sounded like Vinny… because you say the word 'fuck' all the time.

Maddie: Psh, at least I'm not the guy who yelled WOAH, WAIT A MINUTE! And didn't get it when the stupid sheriff… AND I DON'T SAY THAT ALL THE TIME!

Johnny: I don't wanna hear it.

Maddie: RALPH HAD AN ACCENT!

Daniel: We should continue this fight in the next chapter.

Maddie: POSITRACTION!

Johnny: VINNY COPIER!

Maddie: Nuh uh, that was Ms. Vito… dumbie.

Johnny: Oh, real smart.

Daniel: STOP IT! –sobs-

Maddie: Maybe we SHOULD end this…positraction… -rocks back and forth-


	8. Opium High

Maddie: I had to watch Dirty Dancing last night… -shudders-

Johnny: Ew! Patrick Swayze is so…. Ech…

Darry: -is hiding behind a huge pillar- (whispered) Dude, Patrick Swayze is soooo hot…

Maddie: I may feel bad for not owning everyone else, but YOU Darrel, are one I'm glad to not own… poor poor Suzie Hinton…

Darry: But I'm phuckin' phunky phresh!

Maddie: No, Darry, you're not phreaky, cool, far-out, wicked, awesome, sweet, tuff, psychedelic…

Darry: Phunky ph—

Maddie: NOT EVEN PHUNKY PHRESH!

Darry: Oh yeahhhh? POSITRACTION!

Maddie: STOP FUGGIN' SAYING THAT!

Ponyboy: -sigh- You went down to PG, didn'tja.

Maddie: Psh… it's better than your dirty mind.

Pony: You don't mean…

Maddie: Mhmmmm…

Pony: I WAS HIGH, I SWEAR IT!

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"I love you Michael…"

"And I love you…"

Their lips meshed, and they soon f—

"MICHAEL! GET THE FUCK UP!"

Ponyboy awoke with a start, hitting his head on the low-hanging beam that had been hanging down ever since Two-Bit and Steve had played 'let's get drunk and hang on Michael's bed' the night before.

He stood up, looking at himself in the mirror. Why was it always about Julie Andrews? Maybe it was because she was supercalifragilisticexpialidocious? Who knew… but he loved her… so much… she was so beautiful. _Especially her b—_

"MICHAEL! KEITH'LL EAT YOUR BISCUITS IF YOU DON'T HURRY THE HELL UP!"

"FINE THEN!"

So Ponyboy ran down the stairs with a stupid look on his face. You know the look, you're making it right now… yes, that one.

"Would you like jam and butter?" Sodapop asked, looking up at him from a cutting board while Darry directed the cutting of the biscuit with a knife and fork.

"Yes… jam and boobs would be g—fuck." He said as Darry's head seemed to float out of the clouds and land back on his shoulders while the rest of the idiots guffawed.

"Ah do bahleave Michael is in ah lotah trouble." Two-Bit drawled, drooly bit of biscuit flying out of his mouth and hitting people in various facial places.

"Ees zat vat you theenk?" Steve questioned, now using his French accent because 'normal talk is for losers like the rest of ya'll.'

"Yus Steven, Ah do think that Michael bettah run lak a turkeh…"

"FUCKTARDS! YOU FREAKXTERZZZZZ!" Could be heard from outside as a very wet Ponyboy entered the house, feeling very very depressed, as well as confused and angry.

"Darrel called me a freakxterzzzzz." He mumbled, flopping into a chair and looking at Soda.

"You got any of that heavy-duty opium, Patrick?"

"Sure do Michael! Special delivery came this morning!"

"WHOO!" Johnny yelled, jumping on the table in an out-of-character way that most 'advanced' fanfiction writers frown upon, "LET'S GET HIGH!"

**About ten minutes later**

"Dude, do you ever wonder… why they call toes… toes?"

"Nah man… why?"

"Cause I never see 'em toe… ah wait, there it goes… LOOKIT IT DALLAS!" Darry shrieked, pointing at his non-moving little piggy toe.

Dally looked over a Victorian porn magazine (containing ladies elbows, OH MY!) and clapped. "Nice Darrel… hey Jonathanpudding—"

"Cake"

"Fuck it… you got any of those… forks?"

"Sure man, over in that flying elephant…"

"Sweet, hook me up with one."

"NO! YOU'LL TAKE MY PRECIOUS BABIES AWAY FROM ME! YOU CONSPIRACY MAKER! HAHAHA! FUCK YOU AND ALL YOUR LITTLE BABIES OF ANARCHYYYYYY!" Johnny shrieked, pointing a finger at him, which Steve decided to bite.

"Fuck Johnny, you're fuckin' finger tastes like a fuckin' bag of fuckin' opium!"

"AH! YOU'RE ALL AROUND ME! BAD TRIPPPPPPPP!" He screamed, running into a wall and speaking his own language.

Everyone was silent, lost in their own little highs… would you like to see those highs?

Well I'm making you see them anyway.

(A/N: Highs in their POV)

**Darry's high**

_So many roofs… so little time… they're all singing to me, yes… I'll carry all of ya up the roof for just one kiss. Just for the baby orphan elepenguins. _

_What? Some guy wants to gimme more roofing? Sure… I'll do it… ooh baby, this is hott… now if only the guys could see this, they'd think I was 'tuff' in less than a second… hey, ain't that Dallas on a pink pony? Aw, real sweet Dal… gawd… -sniff- I WISH I HAD ONNA THOSE PONIES!_

_Wait… Rainbow Sparkle needs me! MY PONY AWAITS! TAKE THE FUGGIN' (A/N: God, even when he's high he's G-rated… WHAT THE HELL!) RAINBOWWWWW!_

**Dally's high**

_(A/N: Bear in mind, I've watched and read The Outsiders… and his high… is very much… like I'd picture him acting… if he met a female.) _

_Boobs…endless boobs as far as the eye can see. There's a red pair, silver… OH MY GOD! PINKKKK! OMFGROFLPLZ! –cough- So… boobalicious… sooooo… hott…_

**Johnny's high**

_HAHAH! PENGUINSSSSS! I LOVE PENGUINS! I LOVE DEER! I LOVE HOT DOGS AND MUSTARD AND CHEEEEEEESSSEEEE!_

_Um… now what… oh yeah, let's eat potatoes! P-O-T-A-T-O-E-S!_

_This place is POTATOES!_

_P-O-T-A-T-O-E-S…_

_God we sound gay… is Dally having a high about boobs? How typical… lyk , totally… damn, I wish I was an Oscar Meyer wiener… that is what I'd truly like to be…_

_Woah, my finger… is extending… towards… the whipped cream! Where'd we get that anyway? Hah… the walls are singing…funny… I think the red one wants me to mate with it._

_Psh, whatever, it's my high._

You probably shouldn't see any more of that, I'm very sorry.

000000000000000000000000000000

Not that funny… but I had a dream… where Johnny got high. And it was funny.

Daniel: BUT I'M SEXIER! PWNTTTTT!

Maddie: Psh…


	9. Candy Mountain

I don't own The Outsiders, OR Charlie the Unicorn, which you must see on Youtube if you haven't already… OR Monty Python and the Holy Grail…

If you watch it, you feel like you're on drugs or something.

It's REALLY funny.

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Dally awoke to two of his least-favorite people for the moment. It had been days since he got high, and the director had been trying hard to make the show better than _Temptation_ by ForgottenSoul77. Not to mention the previous director had been sacked, and was replaced by some thirteen year old that didn't know what the hell she was doing.

Anyway, he was awoken by…

Sodapop, and Two-Bit.

"Heeeey, Dallas, wake uuuup…"

"Yeah Dallas, you silly sleepyhead, wake uuuuup…"

Dally opened one eye and scowled, looking at the two with a look that clearly said, 'what the fuck are you on?' "Whaddaya want?"

"We found a map to caaandyyy mountain Dalllllaaaassss!" Soda exclaimed

"Candy mouuuntain Daaaaaallllasss!"

"Come with us Daaaaaalllaaassss! It'll be an adventureeeeee!"

Dally stared, now officially disturbed by his friend's antics, and nodded slowly. "Yeah… well… I'm just gonna close my eyes now…"

Two-Bit began to jump on him. "Nooooo Dallllllaaassss! You have to come with usssss!"

When he finally thought his ribs would break, he sighed and opened his eyes again. "Keith…could you get the fuck off me? I'll come with you already!"

With a gleeful squeal, Two-Bit jumped off the now very disturbed greaser and gave Sodapop a high five. "C'mon Daaaaalllaaaassss, let's goooooo!"

So with that, they were off. Sodapop and Two-Bit were singing a song that basically went like this:

"La la la, la la la, la la la la la…"

"Could… could you guys stop singing?"

Sodapop seemed to ignore his question, as he turned back to look at him. "Our first stop is over there Daaallaaasss…"

Dally stood on his toes to see over the two, who were sporting large hats with feathers on them, only to see Johnny, laying on a large rock… in his underwear.

What. The. Fuck.

"Holy fuck… what is that!"

"It's Jonnnnnaaathaaannn Daaaalllaaasss!"

"A magical Jonathannnn!"

"He's gonna guide our way to candy mountainnnnn!"

Dally nodded again and scooted sideways a bit. "You guys _do_ know there's no such thing as Candy Mountain, right?"

"Shun the non-beleiver…"

"Sh—"

"Shuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnuh…"

"Right..." Dally scooted sideways a bit more, a bit confused to why there was a forest inside an old house.

Suddenly, Johnny began to move, stretching first, and then shaking his head a bit. It looked like he was about to speak…

and he ripped his arm off.

"C'mon and fight!" He yelled, jumping up and down with his arm lying beside him.

Dally stared. "FIGHT! YOU'RE FUCKING ARM'S RIPPED OFF!"

The younger greaser paused. "No it's not…"

"Then what's that then?"

Puffing out his chest, Johnny stated "I've had worse."

"Pshft…"

"COME ON YA PANSY!"

"Okay…" But when Dally stepped up… Johnny's other arm fell off. So instead, he just kicked him… over… and over…

"COME ON!"

"I think I won…"

"No you haven't!"

"LOOK YOU BASTARD YOU'VE GOT NO ARMS LEFT!"

"Sure I do."

"NO YOU DON'T."

Johnny paused again. "Tis but a flesh wound." And with that, he began to kick him.

"Chickennnnn, chicken chicken CHIIIIIICCCKKKKEEENNNN!"

Dally ripped his leg off.

"RIGHT! I'LL GET YOU FOR THAT!"

He snorted. "Sure Jonathan. What're you gonna do, huh? Bleed on me?"

"I AM INVINCABLE!"

"You're fuckin' insane."

"THE SMALL GREASER ALWAYS TRIUMPHS!"

Dallas rolled his eyes and shook his head. "Nooooo."

"HAVE AT YOU!"

As Dally reached out, Johnny broke completely in half, leaving the top half of his body on the ground.

Looking around at his condition, Johnny sighed. "You wanna call it a draw?"

Before Dally could reply, Two-Bit and Soda cut in.

"It has spokennnnn…"

"It has showed us the wayyyyyy…"

"BUT HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING BESIDES TEAR HIMSELF TO PIECES!"

But he was rushed off before he could say any more, with Johnny yelling in the background.

"RUNNING AWAY EH? COME BACK YOU YELLOW BASTARDS! COME BACK HERE AND FIGHT! I'LL BITE YOUR FUCKIN' LEGS OFF!"

They continued on, sometimes going over rocks, other times jumping over creeks. Dally still wondered how there could be such a forest in a house, but once when he voiced his opinion, he was silenced by "Just shut the fuck upppppp Dallllllaaasss…" and he decided to stay quiet.

Soon enough, they were on a bridge over a canyon. A very… splintery bridge and Dally had no shoes.

"It's just over this briiiiidddgggeee, Dalllllaaasss…"

"Over this magical bridge, of hope and wonderrrr…"

He inspected his feet, which were, by this time, completely numb from being poked with the wood. "Is anyone else getting really bad splinters? We probably shouldn't be on this thing…"

"Dalllllaaaasss, Dallllassss, Daaaaallllaaasss, DAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLAAAAAAAASSSSS… Daaalllaaass…"

Dally rolled his eyes.

"Daaaallaaasss… Daaaalllaa—"

"I'M RIGHT HERE KEITH, WHADDAYA WANT!"

"We're on a bridge Dallllaaasss!"

"And… we're… just… standing… here." Dally stated, and began to walk, not caring when he nearly knocked Sodapop off the bridge.

Soon, he was behind the two as they sang, and danced… and sang some more. Through trees, furry plants, and those tall grasses that so many people are allergic to.

"We're heeeeerrreee!"

His eyes widened. Standing before him was a mound of candy, with a hole in the center, and a giant purple and green sign that said "CANDY MOUNTAIN".

"Well whaddaya know… there _is_ a candy mountain…"

It was then, that Two-Bit decided to sing.

"Candy mountain, candy mountain, you fill me with sweet sugary goodnessss…"

"Go insiiiiidddeee Dallllaaasss…" Soda urged, pushing Dally a bit towards the opening. "Go inside the candy mountain caaaavvveee!"

"Magical wonders that await when you enterrrrrr…" Two-Bit added, joining in the pushing.

"No. Fucking. Way. I'll stay out here."

"But you have to enter the candy mountain candy cave Daaaallaaaasss..."

As if by magic, stupid music began, and Steve, Ponyboy, Darry, a girl with a nametag that read 'Alle' and another with a nametag that said 'Maddie' stepped out from behind the mountain.

Steve was dressed as the letter C

Ponyboy as the letter A

Darry was the letter N

Alle was the letter D

And Maddie was the letter Y.

Maddie began to sing.

"Ohhhh, when you're down and looking for some cheering up,  
Just head right down to the candy mountain cave!

When you get inside you'll find you're self a cheery land,  
Such a happy, joy filled and perky merry land!

We've got lollypops, and gummy drops and candy things,  
oh-so-many things that will brighten up your day!

It's impossible to wear a frown in CANDY TOWN,  
it's the mica of lovely candy canes!"

Small rainbows appeared, lifting up everyone but Dallas, and leaving Alle to sing the rest.

"You've got jellybeans, and coconuts with little hats,  
candy rats, chocolate bats, it's a wonderland of sweets!

Ride the candy train to town and hear the CANDY BAND,  
Candy bells, it's a treat, as they march across the land!

Cherry ribbons stream across the sky and to the ground,  
Turn around, it astounds, it's a dancing candy tree!

And the candy cane imaginations RUN SO FREE,  
So Dallas please will you go into the cave!"

With that, all who were dressed in letter costumes jumped into the air and exploded, leaving only Sodapop, Dallas, and Two-Bit.

Dally seemed like the only one who wanted to throw up, scream, and commit suicide all at once from sheer irritation.

"ALL RIGHT! I'LL GO INTO THE FUCKING CANDY CAVE!" He screamed, walking towards the cave. "This'd better be fuckin' good…"

When he reached the inside, he turned around.

"Yaaaayyyyyy!" The other two exclaimed, clapping.

"Goodbye Dallllllaaaaasssss…"

"Yeah, goodbye Daaaaaaalllllaaasssss…"

"Goodbye? What the f—"

The door to "candy mountain cave" closed.

"HEY! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOIN' ON HERE! HELLO!"

Footsteps.

"HELLO! WHO IS THAT!"

There was an intense pain as those who had been dressed as the word CANDY fell on top of him.

"WELL THIS FUCKING SUCKS!" Someone yelled, most likely one of the girls.

"Heyyy, don't insult my show." Maddie stated before whistling the candy mountain song.

Meanwhile, Two-Bit and Soda had decided to play 'Ye olde twister'.

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

So, you shall see what happens next… xD

If you watch this movie thing, you will love it. Honestly.


	10. Drag Queen

One man: Sodapop, made fun of constantly for his mysterious furred nipple.

Freaky nipple syndrome is what he had as a baby.

And of course, the Socs didn't like that. To be precise, the Fluffy Bunny Soc Gang. They stalked and taunted him mercilessly. Day after day, week after week for no apparent reason except his mysterious furred nipple.

Again and again, Sodapop seemed to have no hope...

but then... when things looked their bleakest and he seemed to be out of luck... a mysterious hood appeared to help him.

Mr. Miyagi... I mean... Steve.

Who took him back to his mysterious Greaser house to teach him the ancient ways of... kung fu... I mean... knife fights.

Who was this man?

Does anyone care?

All we know is that his training methods were harsh—really harsh.

And his cooking was bad... really bad. So bad, that it made people _spit_.

But then, a rival gang issued a cha--

"You hired an _announcer_?!"

Leah looked sheepishly down at her shoes. "But... he gave me candy..."

Darry scowled. "An announcer? Seriously? You hired an announcer?! And one that talks about Patrick's mysterious furred nipple like it's not even a person?!"

"HEY! I have no furred nipple..." Sodapop stated boldly, stripping off his shirt to reveal...

a mysterious furred nipple.

"Woah... what've I been smoking lately?" The boy wondered allowed, looking forward at the camera as the edges began to turn all weird and misty like...

_A for sale sign sat on the table, surrounded by a pineapple, a spatula, and several small My Little Pony dolls._

"Do you have opium?"

The man sitting behind the table wore sunglasses and one of those pimp hats. He checked briefly under the table and then motioned to the items around the For Sale sign.

"How 'bout a spatula... or a pineapple? Ladies love the pineapples!"

"Dude, I have a girlfriend."

The man smirked. "Surrreeee."

"No, really, she's over there." Soda motioned to a girl sitting with her back to them, eating cheese. Her dirty blonde hair fell just past her shoulders. The outfit consisted of a sparkly black dress, complete with silver purse.

The man raised an eyebrow. "She's hot..."

Soda nodded with a grin. "Yup. Lemme just go tell her we'll be a while."

He approached his girlfriend and sat down across from her.

Johnny scowled. "Just get me outta here. Why couldn't you have used Evie?"

"Because Georgekuhamphabetsosolecatatoo knows_ Evie... besides, I wanted someone... exotic... and alluring."_

The younger boy smiled, twisting a lock of his 'hair' around his finger. "Why... thank you."

Georgekuhamphabetsosolecatatoo approached the two with a look of suspicion in his eyes. As he got closer, Soda smiled.  


"_Hello Georgekuhamphabetsosolecatatoo!"_

"Sodapop Patrick Curtis, you had Cade dress up in drag to make me want to sell you old drugs?"

"Actually," Soda began, smirking at his friend, "Cade was already in drag."

"Oh that's it, we are so over." Johnny muttered, standing up and stalking out of the room.

"Back to business."

"Yes."

"So how 'bout that pineapple?"

"No... I just want some opium." Soda said in a quiet and angry voice.

Georgekuhamphabetsosolecatatoo smiled nervously. "Why, it's right here in my hands! Here ya go, friend..." He exclaimed, handing over the bag of opium.

Soda sniffed the bag and grinned. "It's perfect! I'll take it!"

The camera went back into focus and zoomed in on Sodapop rocking in a rocking chair. "Yup... good times a—Jonathan... are you still in drag?"

Johnny stepped out from behind some curtains, still wearing the wig and dress. "Yes."

"Perfect..."

"Wait, what are we doing? Soda! DON'T STICK THAT THERE!"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

What happened? Why is Johnny in drag? AND WHAT DID SODA STICK THERE?!

Not there... sickos...

And I don't own The Karate Kid spoof movie from Youtube ((which was like, hilarious)) and I don't own Sgt. Bilko or The Outsiders


	11. Bananas

I don't own anything, not even Bananas.  
Go watch the film on myspace, it's fucking hilarious.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Hi, my name is Two-Bit.

In five minutes, I will be dead.

**Dead**

I don't have some rare disease, I didn't hear it from some fancy doctor, I'm 18, and an alcoholic. I don't use drugs or—wait? Are you serious?! SINCE WHEN IS A CIGERETTE AND A BEER A DRUG?! 

Oh... just the cigs? Not the beer?

But... that's an alcohol?

Shiiiit.

Well, I'm not going to die from _that_ anytime soon. I'm in the best shape of my life, and I like to move my bowels whenever possible.

Actually... now would probably be a good time. Just give me a moment.

Ah, I'm back.

So how do I know I'm about to die?

Simple.

I'm allergic to bananas.

**He's allergic to bananas**

Now, why would I eat bananas? Am I forgetful?

"Well, there was that one time you went to school with no pants on... and no underpants. Ya know, girls kind of laughed at you after that."

Shut up, Soda.

"Because it was like WOAH. The guy's so fuckin' huge! Was it a birth defect, or was it ALWAYS that way?! For crying out loud, Johnny's is probably bigger than that..."

I said, shut up, Soda.

"Yeah, okay."

Am I brave, and daring?

"No, you were afraid of that butterfly, 'member? And you were yelling, and screaming, and nearly wet yourself because you were so afraid. So Dallas squished it and you were still afraid of them..."

Johnny, shut your pie hole.

"Why? I'm telling the truth!"

Now, or I'll kill you.

"Uh... yeah... okay..."

Maybe I'm an idiot. Maybe I mistook them for egg sandwiches. Wait a second... these are egg sandwiches... no wait... they're bananas.

Maybe I just love them so much, I'm willing to die for them. Not likely.

As you can see from this chart, bananas rank very poorly on--

"Two-Bit, that's a piece of paper with dog shit smeared on it."

No it's not.

"Yeah... it is."

Nuh-uh. You can clearly see my face right here, a piece of pizza and a happy face, an egg sandwich and a sort of happy face, and a banana and a frowny face. Right here, look at it, Dallas!

"Are you saying your face looks like shit?"

No! Stop putting words into my mouth!

"Haha... loser..."

DICK!

Ehem... where were we? Oh yeah, the bananas.

So why do I continue to eat them if I know I'm going to die?

Simple.

I'm trying to commit suicide.

**He's going to kill himself with bananas**

So why this way?

Well, I tried everything else.

I ate shaving cream, drank roach spray, and I put glass in my food. I even didn't watch TV for a few hours.

Nothing worked.

Then I got a great idea. Why not do it with bananas?

Wait... these aren't bananas... these are egg san—no, wait... naw, they're bananas.

You see, my girlfriend left me for a Soc three months ago and she took everything...

"Why were you living with her?"

We got hitched, okay.

"So then she's your wife."

Shut up smartass or I'll wrap your d--

"Okay, okay... yeesh..."

except the bed, my half of the toilet water and this white furry thing, that seems to be an egg sandwich with four legs.

"Two-Bit, that's a cat."

Steve, I will murder you if you don't go away now. Can't you see I'm trying to _die_?

**He's trying to die**

Life without her isn't easy.

There's no one to finish my jokes.

"Nobody finished your jokes before she came, stupid."

WHAT DID I JUST TELL STEVE?!

"Ionno, I wasn't there."

Ah, screw you.

Nobody to administer my anti-seal pills.

"Yeah, we had some laughs with you floppin' around with only your arms... barkin'..."

Wait, you were there?!

"Well duh, it was in my house."

I'm hurt, Pony... why didn't you help?

"You looked funny..."

Nobody to remind me what _is_ and _isn't_ an egg sandwich.

More importantly, no where to put my pen--

"Haha, I remember that... of course, it didn't take much to put it in the electric socket, did it? Gosh, it's so _tiny_!"

When did _you_ see it?!

"I was at school, remember?"

Aw fuck, yeah... Soda, I hate you.

"Yeah, I know... MUTHAFUCKA..."

Soda why the he—ugh...

**End**

"Darry?"

"Yeah Soda?"

"Why were there little signs popping up every few seconds?"

"SHIT! MY CHEESE!"

"Pony, you don't have any cheese..."

"Yes he does. I am his cheese keeper."

"Dally?! When the hell did you come into this?!"

"YOU'VE GOT THE SHITS! GET HIM PONY, GET HIM!"

"Johnny, you're sexy and all, but... I don't... AH! Wait, you're still in drag... SUH-WEET."

"We already did the stunt, let it go, man."

"Aw, you suck."


	12. ZOMG my brain blew up

-door is pushed open to reveal Maddie rushing around the room in a crazy fashion-

**Maddie:** AGH! Where is it where is it where is iiiiitttt?! –has mental breakdown-  
**Johnny:** Um... Maddie? –prods Maddie with stick-  
**Maddie:** OH! HI! –cheesy smile- I was just... um... DANCING! To the music in my head... yes...  
**Ponyboy:** O.o Just... tell 'em...

**Maddie:** -shuffles random stack of papers-  
This fic is almost over. I can not keep it up as long as I thought I would, mainly because of school (or right now, the holidays), various problems, and a case of writers block that doesn't seem to be ending.  
Although I'm going to miss updating this (every once and a while) I don't feel like I have it in me to write anything funny anymore. While I'm not depressed, I don't think my sense of humor is... considered funny to some people. It may be hilarious to me, or maybe just a select few of my reviewers... but... people wouldn't react well to it.

Plus, the whole 'its' vs 'it's' thing is a pain in the ass and I've given up on it.  
Thank you all for reviewing, and I've got a special surprise at the end of the fic.

**Johnny:** IS IT ANOTHER FIC?!  
**Maddie:** Um... no...  
**Ponyboy: **Aw crap.

-sign scrolls across bottom of screen-  
**Maddie does not claim to own any of this, although the idea was partly hers.**

-screen fades, leaving Maddie typing madly at the computer to bring the newest chapter of That House-

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

**Prologue**

"I can't do it."

Leah looked in horror at her writer, who was scribbling madly on a piece of paper, trying to think of something remotely witty.

"Whaddaya mean you can't do it?! I'm counting on you! YOU'RE MY BRAINS!"

The writer lifted her head and raised an eyebrow in confusion. "I'm... your brains..."

"Well... yes."

"God, you're pathetic."

"And yet I'm a director. Funny how that works, eh?"

"Yeah. So. I'm not gonna be able to do it."

Leah smacked the writer, who has no name because she is not important in the slightest and we wish to save money (because everyone knows that if you give names, you pay money), on the back of the head and scowled.

"We're coming out on DVD Tuesday."

"NOW WHO'S BEING NAÏVE, KAY?!" Shrieked the writer, throwing a pen in her anger (and quoting a movie that hadn't been made, and a book that had yet to be published... at least... I think it's in the book). "DVDS AREN'T INVENTED YET!"

"Wellll soooooorry if I don't know the 1970's."

"60's."

"Whatever. Just write me a script."

Leah turned on her heel to leave the room, and leaned precariously close to the left; were, had the heel of her shoe broken, would have sent her straight into a tacky fake potted palm tree.

"Um... Leah..."

She whirled around, nails ready to rip out the eyes of the writer and hang them upon her Christmas tree.

"What?" She hissed through gritted teeth.

The writer regarded her sharp nails with some alarm before clearing her throat. "This is a reality TV show... there are no scripts."

"THEN WHAT THE FUCK DID I HIRE YOU FOR?!"

This time, the writer laughed. "You didn't hire me. I'm just some kid you picked up in the park. Actually... um... my parents called..."

Leah perked up a bit and nodded. "Yes, and?"

"They have the ransom. Although they don't really get why you, a girl seventeen days younger than me _and_ my best friend who lives less than a mile away decided to kidnap me. In a park that doesn't exist, no less."

She shrugged her shoulders and grinned. "I was bored."

"So... this is why you locked me in a cellar and fed me cheese for about a day and a half?"

"Yup."

"And why you tied me to a chair and interrogated me about JTHM?"

"Mhm."

"And why you made me watch old 70's sitcoms no one cares about?"

"Si."

"None of that was necessary?"

"Nugatory, big Ben."

"None of it at all."

"Nope."

"None?"

"None."

The writer's eye twitched for a moment, and there was a sense of anger radiating from her, before she smiled graciously.

"Ho-ly fuck."

Leah looked up from a book and raised an eyebrow. "Hmm?"

"I think my brain just blew up."

There was a short pause, in which the writer swayed dangerously, saliva flowing from her open mouth.

"Every awkward silence a gay baby is born."

With that said, Leah left the room.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

"I HAVE TEA!"

Johnny inched away from the large man who was currently fondling a bag of tea that he had "shoplifted" from the cellar to prove he was a badass.

"SEE! NOW I'M COOL! I'M A BADASS! I CAN BEAT YOU UPPPPPP, BIATCH!" He shrieked, shoving the bag of tea in Dallas' face and shaking his rear end suggestively.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!"

All heads (save for Darry's because he was still "shaking his groove thang") turned in the direction of the door, as the director marched inside, dragging the dead writer behind her.

"Um... why are you carrying a dead person?"

"She's not dead, she's sleeping."

"Then what's that coming from her ears?"

"I-Is that _blood_?" Ponyboy asked, staring, transfixed at the body on the floor.

"Um... yes."

"Coming from her ears while she's sleeping?" Johnny asked, prodding the writer with a stick.

"She bleeds in her sleep! People do it all the time!" She shrieked, pointing at the body who twitched.

"IT LIVES!" Leah screamed, grabbing Darry with superhuman strength and bringing him down upon the other girl. "DIE YOU BASTARD!"

Awkward silence filled the house.

Meanwhile... Dallas was born.

Darry laughed hysterically. "HAHA DALLAS! YER GAAAAYYYYY!" He exclaimed.

Leah looked at the camera men, who were making slicing motions with their hands.

"Huh?"

"You can't say gay on TV..."

"BUT WE'VE BEEN SAYING IT!"

"Nobody's heard it..."

"Why?"

One particularly stupid camera man grinned. "We've had the cap on this whole time."

Thus, it ends.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Crappy ending, I know...  
surprise coming next


End file.
